Fanfictions Past
by SV Green
Summary: A collection of fanfics I've written previously but had to delete due to trolling. For the sake of my reviewers, I've brought them back. May they do better the second time around.
1. Anarchy and Breakfast Juice

_**Author's Note**_

This will be a collection of most of the fan fictions I've written and then had to delete. I deleted them because all my stories were mass-flamed by a troll called Kovu 01. Rather than let this bastard get satisfaction from seeing me quit, I turned it into a new beginning. I'm moving on to bigger and better things. But for the sake of nostalgia, I'm keeping all my previous fanfics and putting them on this as separate chapters. So, from me, read, enjoy and please review. Concrit is welcome; however, flames will be ignored.

**Anarchy and Breakfast Juice**

"Oh Naruto, your so funny, cute, clever and way better than Sasuke" giggled Sakura, sitting by the pool in a deck chair.

"Believe it!" Naruto grinned as he climbed out of the pool and sat next to her. "And I'm a great kisser" he winked, leaning over to Sakura, suddenly aware that her bikini had slipped. She leaned across, her lips coming ever closer...

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" someone screamed. Sirens blared and red lights danced around MABE (Manga and Anime Board of Entertainment) headquarters. Naruto sat bolt upright in bed.

"What the..." Naruto blinked and looked around. Then he realised. He'd been dreaming. "AWWW! C'mon!" whined Naruto, flopping back down in bed. "All just a dream!?" he yelled to someone above. "...and I was just getting to the good bit!"

EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

The siren continued to ring, despite Naruto's need for sleep. He sighed. Another boring day of studies coming right up, he thought. He dragged himself out of bed, promising it he would return soon. His feet dragged over the grey-blue carpet as he trudged out to the kitchen. Sakura was waiting for him. She'd been half way through a bowl of cereal when the demented siren had started.

"What's with all the noise? It's only 8 o'clock in the morning!" he whined, finally noticing that it wasn't his alarm clock. He collapsed onto the lounge, almost gagging on the 'new lounge smell'. "And why the hell did we need a new lounge! It smells like paint stripper!" he continued to whine, still hurting from the abrupt end of his dream.

"You really need me to answer?" she sighed. Good old Naruto, she thought, gets up in the same mood every time. Naruto moaned a yes from his face down position on the new lounge, looking like he was drowning in a (toxic smelling) marshmallow.

"Ok, first: No idea, it started at around 6 this morning and as you can tell, it's still going. Second: the old lounge was mauled to death because someone invited Kiba over and forgot to tell him to leave Shicamaru at home" said Sakura, pointing a look of doom in Naruto's direction. She then disappeared into the bathroom and did not emerge for a half-hour. When she came out, Naruto was face down in a puddle of his own drool, snoring. "Naruto...?" she called. She came right over and yelled in his ear. "NARUTO! WAKE UP!" her voice seemed to echo around in his head. No signs of intelligent life, she thought. Sakura knew he wouldn't be awake for at least another hour, so she scrawled a note and taped it to Naruto's head. Before she left, she poked him in the side to see if he was awake. No reactions, just the snoring. She sighed and left, shutting the door quietly behind her.

Sakura hurried down the hallway, towards the secretary's desk. Hinata had been on admin duty for 12 hours (due to a lack of staff, the characters had to take turns on admin duty, usually for several days in a row). Hinata lay sprawled over a bed of 'Naruto Homicide Request' forms. Sakura grimaced. The print from the forms had rubbed of on Hinata's face, giving her an un-dead look to match her mental state. Sakura leaned forward and shook her, hoping she would be conscious enough to give some meaningful answers.

"Hinata...Hinata?" Sakura shook Hinata and finally got a response.

"Mmmmmmmm?" groaned Hinata, looking up from the paperwork. 'What?" she moaned, rubbing her face to regain some feeling.  
"Why's there a siren going off?" said Sakura. The wailing was really getting annoying. It makes meditation almost impossible.

"Rmmmmrrrrrcrrrrrt" drooled Hinata, still half asleep. Sakura sighed. One wake up call coming up, she thought with a mischievous grin. She jogged off down the E Block hallway towards Ino's room, almost laughing at the evil of her plan. Five minutes later, she was back with a plastic mug of some dark green, unidentifiable liquid. Hinata was trying to rub out a word on the computer screen with an eraser.

"Mmm…pencil no spelt right..." she drooled, still trying to rub out the text in the word processor. I hope it's enough, thought Sakura, staring at the pathetic mindless zombie sitting before her.

"Hinata, coffee!" she yelled, holding out the mug.

"Coffeeeeeee" Hinata drooled. Good thing she's mentally comatose, thought Sakura, eyeing the green liquid dubiously. Hinata took the mug and sculled. She suddenly stopped. The mug fell from her hands. Her eyes almost popped out.

"BLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHH!" she gagged. 'Water!" she said, flailing around so much she fell back onto the rubber-tree plant and started rolling on the floor clutching her throat. Sakura was already holding out a disposable cup-full. Ino's homemade breakfast juice did that to people. Hinata snatched the cup, practically throwing the water down her throat. Hey, thought Sakura, how come Ino's the only one who can drink that stuff without having a fit? Hinata finished flailing and stood up blinking.

"Sakura-san? W-what are you doing here? "She said, finally rediscovering her brain. She lives, thought Sakura triumphantly.

"What's with the siren?" she asked again. Hinata scrambled around the jungle of paper and stationary, she eventually emerged, looking through a thick file.

"Says here that the siren only sounds when anime popularity levels hit rock bottom..." she said. The realisation hit her.

"Oh no!" she gasped. She jumped the desk and grabbed the phone, pushing the red button labelled 'Emergency'. The siren stopped, silence descended once more on the facility. A pre-recorded (nasal sounding) message rang clearly through the complex.

"Attention all characters, an emergency meeting has been called, calmly make your way to the address hall"

Tea came jogging out to the desk, red in the face and out of breath.

"What's going on?" she wheezed, jogging on the spot. Hinata's head was nodding up and down, trying to track Tea's face.

"People have stopped watching anime," she said calmly like it happened all the time.

"Oh, right...WHAT?!" Tea stopped jogging, staring with near-rupture eyes. "What are we going to do?! We're going to lose our jobs and have to work on game shows!" she cried hysterically. "How are we going to survive?! The world is over..."

Hinata and Sakura looked at each other, and then back at Tea, who had degenerated to regrets of not confessing her love to Yami.

"I-I think it's your turn..." Hinata sighed. Sakura walked over to the sobbing heap.

"Pull yourself together, women!" she yelled, pulling her up to eye level and shaking Tea violently. "We'll deal with the problem without the hysterics, thanks!" she said forcefully. She then stopped shaking and turned to Hinata.

"C'mon, we've got a damage control meeting to deal with" she walked purposefully away, towards the hall with Hinata hurrying along beside her. Tea stood staring after her, shocked at the steel of Sakura's will. She's an inspiration to us all, Tea thought. Then she saw a discarded mug of lying on the floor. Ohhh, coffee, she thought as she bent down to retrieve the cup and drank what was left.

At the hall, people where filing through the doorway, looking disorientated and annoyed. The noise in the hall was near deafening; the sound of thousands of people yelling over each other seemed to reverberate and build in the small building. Sakura paced backstage, the tight feeling inside her building with each question that joined the swarm buzzing in her head. Where's Professor Oak? He's supposed to be here! Is he ok? How's everyone going to take the news? Oh god…what if he doesn't come?! Who's going to tell them? She paced some more. What if I have to tell them?! She felt like she was going to explode. What if there's a riot? The image of her calming a coursing throng of rioting characters seemed ridiculous. Her head throbbed. What are we going to do to keep our careers going with reality TV killing them? A door banged open at side-stage.

"Sakura-san!"

Sakura screamed, flinging a kunai at the door. The kunai hit the pulley system and sliced through the prop support rope. There was a creak of wooden supports and every prop left over from the annual MABE musical fell down on Hinata, covering her in a pile of cardboard cars, clouds and Las Vegas lights.

Sakura came over to help, yanking one of the white sleeved protruding limbs in the pile and hoping it was Hinata's.

"Hinata?" said Sakura as she pulled the first appendage. It was a cardboard waiter. "Hinata?" The next was a surgeon. "Hinata!" she called into the rubble, getting very annoyed. Props flew through the air in a storm of cardboard and plaster as she burrowed through the pile. Suddenly Hinata's head emerged from the wreckage, gasping for air. Sakura helped her to her feet, apologising repeatedly.

"I'm so sorry Hinata!" she gasped. "Are you okay?"

"F-fine, S-Sakura-san. It wasn't your fault, j-just bad workmanship," said Hinata, shaking the rubble from her hair. The door flew open again, pushing the kunai through another support rope. Another avalanche of props fell on the two, winding Sakura. She lay there, gagging and gasping, trying to breathe again when a pair of hands grasped her by the collar and dragged her from the rubble. She looked up to see Naruto's smiling face, completely oblivious to his part in the prop-slide.

"Gees you're clumsy Sakura-san" he laughed, indicating the pile of props.

"Ahhh! NARUTO I'M GOING TO…" Sakura's homicide attempt was interrupted by a tiny voice from the pile.

"S-Sakura-san?" Hinata croaked from inside a mudslide of props. She was face to face with a smiling cat.

"SAKURA!" she yelled, her voice muffled by the avalanche. Sakura stopped strangling Naruto and sighed. She walked calmly over to the pile and yanked Hinata from the 2nd prop-slide.

"Wow, you too Hinata?" he grinned stupidly. "Well, I guess we can't all be as coordinated and graceful as me" he said chuckling annoyingly. He turned and attempted to walk back out the door. Which was shut. Needless to say Sakura (and secretly Hinata) fell into a heap on the floor laughing.

"Oh that felt good" Sakura sighed, getting up and wiping the tears of laughter from her eyes. "But we have to deal with the mob". That banished the smiles faster than a bottle of prune juice.

"What are we going to do if Professor Oak doesn't show up?" asked Hinata worriedly. "If someone doesn't go out and tell them soon, things could go bad".

"Great! If we tell them, there'll be a riot, if we don't, there'll be a riot. If we sit here and wait for Professor Oak, there's going to be a riot. I guess one of us is going to have to go out there and do it" Sakura groaned, rubbing her face in frustration. Then the (ironically) unthinkable conclusion hit her. "We'll have to go on without him" she sighed, biting the bullet at last.

Hinata paled. She peaked out from the curtain across the mob of anime characters, which had become increasingly violent.

"C-can I s-stay here" she squeaked, imagining herself being trampled in the riot, one small person among a sea of annoyed rioters.

"C'mon, you can survive Ino's cooking, you can survive this" said Sakura, putting on an act of confidence as much to convince herself as Hinata. She dramatically swept back the curtain and strode out onto the stage.

Tea watched her go from above in the spotlight deck, still unable to taste anything after her 'coffee' induced fit. She's an inspiration to us all, she thought. Then there was a creak and a spotlight came loose from the ceiling and landed on her head, showering her in smoke and sparks.

"Oh, pretty lights!" she giggled, then fell over backwards unconscious. Goku walked in to find Tea unconscious under a smoking (and sparking) severed spotlight. He gasped and ran over, dragging the light off her.

"Oh, god Tea, wake up!" he cried. A spark from the fallen spotlight jumped into the mountain of hair (gel). Goku hugged Tea close and wept, then suddenly smelt something burning. Hey, wait a minute, he thought, my hair gel is flammable! He dropped Tea and ran screaming from the room, his hair a blazing (chemically-enhanced) bonfire.

Hinata slunk onstage, hoping no one would notice her if she kept quiet. Much to her dismay, the spotlights (which had been re-staffed) zeroed in, blinding her. Sakura unclipped the wireless microphone and tossed it to Hinata, who missed it while she stumbled around the stage trying to regain her vision. The microphone fell to the ground.

EEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKKK

The feedback sent a Mexican Wave of shudders across the mob. However, they recovered almost instantly at the sight of a potential blame figure for their annoyance at being dragged out of bed before lunchtime. All eyes locked on to Hinata who felt almost like she was shrivelling under their gazes.

"Ah…e-excuse me" she mumbled into the microphone. Feedback accompanied her feeble request. The crowd lost interest and reverted back to the self-competitive tidal wave of conversation. Sakura cringed at the rejection. She walked forward and took the microphone from Hinata, who'd frozen like an animal caught in front of a car's headlights. Sakura then proceeded to bang her hand on the top of the microphone. The deafening feedback rang through the cramped hall. The crowd turned back to the new hate-figure and fell silent. Sakura felt every volt of hostility those 1000's of gazes held but swallowed and continued.

"Anime character, welcome to the emergency meeting. Thanks for coming! How are you all?" she smiled. The crowd replied with a chorus of Booooooo's and volleys of empty bottles.

"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!" she yelled. "Recently, there's been a new interest Reality TV" she ventured. "Two shows can't be on at the same time so they've canned us for Survivor".

The crowd was silent, staring in horror at the news. Sakura cursed violently.

Tea's dreams of bluebirds tweeting 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow" came to an abrupt end when the singing drove her insane and sent her on a gun massacre, killing many, many fuzzy little birds. She got up; stumbling as the floor suddenly lurched to one side. She fell ungracefully back down, annoyed, pained by a chainsaw of a headache but still alive. She felt her head for injuries and found the mother of all lumps on the back of her head. She winced as she brushed it with her fingers a little to roughly. Using the office chair as a support, she got to her feet. Then the chair slid out from under her and she was sent stumbling around the room. She tripped over some wires and fell out of the balcony down into a pile of sports mats left over from last weeks Animated Olympics. The weight from her fall triggered the collapse of the pile on top of her.

The crowd was so horrified; they didn't notice the muffled cries for help coming from the pile of collapsed sports mats. Sakura, horrified at her own directness, was about to run back behind stage when professor Oak clattered in the door, almost flying into a stage dive and cursing the cleaner's choice in floor wax.

"Sorry I'm late everyone, I needed to finish some (clears throat) experiments" he apologised. He walked over to Sakura who was about to give him a lecture about how he'd decided to show up after she'd broken the news to the crowd. "Thankyou for your help but I'll take it from here"

"But I just did everything already!" she seethed. If it had been anyone else she'd have wrung their neck.

"Now, now Sakura" he soothed. "There's much more to being a leader than speeches." Sakura's blood pressure jumped a notch.

"Yeah, so what were those experiments that ran you late?" she enquired innocently.

"Uh…um…very important ones. Top secret. I'd love to share the details but I have a mob to contend with" he spluttered, looking very much put off by the unwelcome question. He snatched the microphone and began what he called 'mass management'.

"Ladies, gents and animals! How are you?" he grinned. My people, he thought. The crowd was silent, barely anyone moved. A few looked like they'd forgotten how to blink. "Ladies and gents?" A cricket chirped in the background.

"Sakura, what have you done?" he sighed.

"I just told them what happened," she argued.

"WHAT!?" exclaimed Professor Oak. "You told them the truth! You never tell the mob anything but what you want them to hear! Look at all the great leaders in history: George Bush never told the public the truth! Not even when they rioted, Sr. Edmund Barton didn't even tell his wife the truth! If we told the truth, we wouldn't ever stay leader for long!" Professor Oak was running out of breath. "If I told the truth, people would be burning down my laboratory as we speak!' he wheezed. He really needed to retire soon, he'd already had 3 hip replacements and he wasn't getting any younger. "I think I'll go sit down," he rasped, suddenly looking unwell. Sakura sighed (again).

As Prof. Oak passed, she plucked the microphone from his hand and gave the crowd another dose of feedback before continuing.

"Ok, what are we going to do about it?" she asked forcefully. The crowd suddenly started blinking again and some even started speaking.

"Our lives are over! We'll be forgotten, jobless and we'll have to work on game shows to survive!" sobbed Mimi (Digimon).

"We're doomed!" cried Misty, hanging off Yuko (XXXHolic) sobbing hysterically.

"Hey, you're ruining my enigmatic garment!" she exclaimed, pushing Misty into Inuyasha who pushed her back.

"I don't want her! I've already got a hysterical, emotional female side-character!" he snapped, as Kagome sobbed on his shoulder. Misty missed Yuko and fell onto Itatche who turned around and floored Inuyasha with a roundhouse kick.

"Hey!" exclaimed Kagome. "I was sobbing on him!" She picked up a (conveniently located) plastic chair and beat him to the ground with it.

"Yeah! Girl power!" cheered Ino, clapping.

"More like lucky hit" murmured Sasuke. Ino's head snapped around.

"What did you say!" she screeched. "I don't care what the TV show says, I'm gonna wring your drop-dead gorgeous neck!" Ino lunged at him, putting him in a chokehold and accidentally knocking Gohan over onto Astro-boy. Both meekly apologised and shook hands.

(Intervention by the writer)

Suddenly for no apparent reason, Snorlax tripped over, squashing Gohan and Astro-boy on the floor like ants. Suddenly his bulk was raised from the floor by the two and Snorlax was sent flying through the air and into the stage.

"INCOMING" yelled Sakura; jumping to the floor as the large Pokemon flew overhead, knocking Hinata into the back wall of the stage. Sakura went running back to help Hinata who was pinned to the wall behind the obese Pokemon.

"Get the hell of her you great fat piece of…"

The mayhem was incredible. Every single character was in an all out slugfest with whoever was closest when Snorlax came running out from backstage crying; several kunai sticking out from it's gelatinous lower back with Sakura close behind, sporting a look that would send an axe murder running for mummy. Snorlax was cornered at front stage, blocking out the lights and casting a gigantic shadow over the mass brawl. Everyone stopped, some in the middle of a neck-breaker. Everyone knew that there was only one place it could go. Sakura closed in.

"Hope you got health insurance" she cackled manically. Snorlax weighed up its options: face the berserk pink-haired maniac or jump. Not much of a choice really. It jumped. The whole crowd screamed, trying to escape but there were too many people.

(A bit more writer intervention)

Snorlax floated gently to the ground (which was no longer covered by brawling anime/Manga characters). Everyone sighed in relief. Sakura seemed to regain her senses and continued.

"Any ideas besides hysterical sobbing?' she asked hopefully.

"We could kill them in an epic battle that would go for 20 episodes" grinned Goku, his replacement hair slipping slightly. Hinata crawled onstage looking bruised, beaten but otherwise okay.

"W-we could buy our own station a-and air our show th-there" she wheezed. Sakura stared in shock. It was simple, brilliant and might even work.

"Who votes for Hinata's idea?" asked Sakura. A sea of raised hands met her suggestion. "And who votes for Goku's idea?" One hand (and a spiky wig) went up. "Well that settles it; we start anime TV in a week, prepare your shows and let's give Big Brother a sock in the mouth!" Thunderous cheers and applause met her speech.

Now review!!!


	2. The Heartbroken Support Group

_**Author's Note**_

Oh man, this brings back memories. I wrote this one after being thoroughly repulsed by the shameless parings in the Naruto fandom. Unfortunately, this didn't get as much success as I thought it would. If you could review and tell me why, I'd be grateful.

So…please enjoy and review

**The Heart-broken Support Group**

Hinata sat, staring out onto the mist-flooded road. She was so withdrawn inside herself she almost didn't notice the bumps and sharp creaks of the old bus.

"Hinata, c'mon girl, wake up!" yelled Sakura. Hinata cringed, Sakura had been unusually violent lately and Hinata had a vague idea why.

"Uh…what?" murmured Hinata.

"We're going to miss our stop!" she nagged again. Hinata wished she'd paid more attention when they'd been taught the silencing jutsu.

"Sorry Sakura-san, I'm coming" she murmured apologetically, staring intently at the rubber floor.

Hinata picked herself up from the lumpy seat. She sighed for what seemed the 1000th time. Why can't I tell Naruto, she groaned, cursing her lack of confidence. It just one little sentence, she mentally kicked herself, one little sentence. I get 3 syllables out and I choke up, for god's sake, he's never going to notice you unless you speak up for yourself! She yelled mentally.

She finally pried herself from her self-pity and walked (and stumbled) behind Sakura up the isle of the bus towards the front, almost barking her shin on a man's knee, sticking out from the seat.

"Back off…out of my way…get lost!" snarled Sakura, pushing her way up, ploughing through some and elbowing around others. Hinata stumbled meekly behind, following the isle Sakura created. "I can't believe we're reduced to catching the bus!" she huffed as she stepped off the bus and out into the sharp cold. "C'mon Hinata" she growled, walking briskly down the street. Hinata came up beside her, having to jog to keep up.

"Sakura-san, I…um, I think we're going the wrong way…" said Hinata quietly, hoping Sakura wasn't in one of her moods.

"AHHHHH!" she stopped and yelled in the middle of the street. People turned and stared, some even pointed.

"Uh…Sakura-san, are you all right" Hinata squirmed. The second the sentence left her mouth; she knew what was coming her way.

"ALRIGHT!!! ALRIGHT!!! I'M FINE!!! I'VE NEVER BEEN BETTER!!! WHY THE HELL WOULDN'T I BE ALRIGHT!!!" she screamed, grabbing hold of the closest weapon available; a parking meter, and swinging it around.

"Hey look, the support group!" Hinata exclaimed, thinking quickly. She pointed in a random direction and found that it really was the support group. The words "Heartbreak Support" glowed red in neon lights glowed in the distance.

"Oh…there it is" Sakura said as if she hadn't just been yelling like a maniac in the open (crowded) streets and ripped a parking meter out of the ground in anger.

"Well, lets get a move on!" Sakura said brightly. Hinata wondered how long these violent mood swings would last and if the support mediator had a cure for it.

"All rise for the honourable Mai Valentine, head of the Heartbreak Support group" Serena said into the PA system. Everyone sat respectfully.

"People of the Heartbreak Support Group, our loves have walked all over us for too long" Mai spoke into the PA system with a tone that demanded respect and admiration. "Wether it be because of their clueless nature, stone hearts, immaturity or uppity thinking, they will not walk all over us and then throw us away like trash! You're all here today to learn that these people are idiots! They ignore you, snob you off, they don't even acknowledge your existence so I ask you; are they worth the heartbreak! No they are not!" A tidal wave of agreement sounded from the audience in reply to the speech. "Now to business!" Mai grinned. "You've all been going well, your progress is an inspiration to heartbroken people everywhere," Mai preached. "Especially you Sakura!" Mai looked around, trying to find Sakura in the swarming throng of the heartbroken. "…Sakura?"

"…SO FAR UP IT'LL STICK OUT YOUR HEAD!!!" Sakura screamed at the car as it sped away from the homicidal, pink haired maniac. Hinata pitied the driver. He'd unfortunate enough to pull out in front of her in the car park. At least we don't have to worry about the parking meter anymore, she thought, watching it catch the light as it stuck from the back window of the sedan. "C'mon Hinata" Sakura said through clenched teeth, walking purposefully towards the support group meeting, her shoulders hunched and a murderous look in her eye's daring anyone to try and stop her.

"Anyone know where Sakura is?" Mai asked the crowd, looking puzzled. SLAM!!! The door at the side of the support group hall flew open, flattening Tea against a "Boys are All Jerks!" poster.

"I'm here!" exclaimed Sakura, looking over her utopia with a smile. "Sorry I'm late, we had a few…delays" Sakura said innocently.

"Come on up Sakura, you're the girl of the hour!" Mai invited Sakura up with a wave of her hand. "You're the most improved heartbreak case here!" she grinned. Sakura flew up the stage stairs, almost stage-diving in the process.

"It is my honour to present you with the golden 'Repaired Heart' award for most improved case here. You're an inspiration to us all!" Mai addressed the audience. She shook Sakura's hand and handed her the Logie of all Heartbreak trophies. Sakura just stood there, a look of shock, amazement and gratitude on her face. "What do you have to say?" Sakura stood there as still as rigor mortis. "Sakura?" Still no response. "…Sakura?"

"…Oh…right…speech, well, um" Sakura stumbled over the words as if they were lead weights. "I'd like to thank all of you for you continued support, especially me for not falling in love again. Mai, if it hadn't been for you, I'd still be drooling over Sasuke. Oh and my therapist (may he rest in peace)" Sakura could have had a heart attack right there if it hadn't been for the gaze of 100 heartbroken girls bearing down on her for words of support. "If you really think you can quit drooling over these male idiots than you can," she added quickly.

Cars screeched and swerve around Sakura as she crossed the road, drivers hailed abuse and violent hand gestures at her but she didn't notice. She was staring into the golden hypnotic depths of the trophy, grinning stupidly.

"Sakura-san! Lookout!" yelled Hinata, running towards the stupefied figure swaying across the road. "Wake up Sakura-san!" A tanker moaned past, the truckie giving the pair an obscene hand gesture. "Oh, what, we there already?!" Sakura exclaimed, free of the trance at last. Sakura looked bewildered at first then shocked and finally horrified. "Oh" she said when she noticed she was standing in the middle of the road. They hurried across and continued the walk home. They got back just as the sunset.

"Sakura-san! How was the support group?" he grinned, oblivious to _exactly_ what the support group was.

"Great" mumbled Sakura as she trudged inside. Hinata followed, but not before stopping beside Naruto.

"Hello Naruto-san, I…uh…I mean…ah," she stuttered.

"Hinata, hurry up and get inside!" came a nagging voice from the large townhouse.

"C'mon Hinata-san, its cold out here!" said Naruto, already bounding up onto the patio then into the house. Nice one Hinata, she sighed.

"Sasuke…where are you?" grinned Sakura, holding a meat cleaver loosely in her hand. "Sasuke…" she called, sneaking into his (normally locked) room. The walls were black and decorative kunai hung from the walls along with a black and white, singed photograph of two small children, a tall, beautiful women and a tall athletic man with striking black hair. Suddenly the realisation hit her, it was Sasuke with his family and this was probably the only photo that survived the fire. Then a flicker of light caught her eye, it was only faint but it was enough to draw Sakura's attention. A faint glow seemed to shine from around the doorframe of Sasuke's closet. Stepping closer, she discovered it was candlelight. Creeping forward, she turned the knob and yanked the door open. Then she stopped shocked by what she saw, so shocked she dropped the meat cleaver. Her face a mask of shock, she fell to her knees, on the border of fainting. There, surrounded by candles, was a painting of her in a pink and white kimono under falling cherry blossoms of a tree. That wasn't the only thing that shocked her; at the bottom of the painting was a scrawled note.

**Sasuke** **XX Sakura **

Tears of true happiness filled her eyes and dripped down her chin. She smiled and said the words she wished she could say for many years.

"I love you too Sasuke" she whispered and fled from the room.


	3. The Heartbroken Support Group Ch2

_**Author's Note**_

This one did way better than the last one in the series. What really puts me off is the fact that this one was the idea of a friend. I'm beginning to see a pattern here. Well, once again, please enjoy and review. Concrit is welcome, flames will be ignored.

**Diplomatic Anarchy**

Naruto sat with his head in his hands, massaging his temples. He'd spent the whole day studying and now he had to sit through formal dinner at the _Nero Gato_ for as "lesson" on diplomacy. The suit was bad enough, with the itchy collar; the cuffs that took hours to do up and not to mention the fact Kakashi Sensei had demanded he brush his hair! I should be out kicking butt, he thought angrily, not gasping for air through the neck of a suit.

Sakura was a little more enthusiastic. A candle lit dinner, a fancy (and expensive) restaurant and violins playing in the background; all that was missing was Sasuke. This is it, Sakura thought, subconsciously grinning. He's finally going to kiss me! Years of training and self-control were the only thing holding back the bubbling anticipation building up inside her. I've put on this uncomfortable dress, I've grown my hair, I'm even wearing high heeled shoes, she thought, he's going to fall head-over-heels and he's going to kiss me. This particular train of thought chuffed around and around her consciousness; punctuated by her imagination going wild (I'm holding back the details to avoid fan art). I wonder why Sakura-san's acting so weird, thought Naruto, suddenly over coming his self-pity. She sure looks nice, he thought, but why is she sighing so much and staring off into space? Is she sick? Maybe she's hungry like me. Suddenly he spied a waiter carrying a huge slab of roast beef in black-bean and plum sauce. Then there were two people sighing, propping their heads up with their arm and staring off beyond the person across the silk-draped table. Both their imaginations were working overtime. Then Sasuke walked in.

"Sasuke!" exclaimed Sakura, suddenly standing up and almost falling over her chair. "What took you so long?" she asked, trying to salvage her dignity.

"Nothing, I'm just late Sakura" he murmured, then walked over the rich red carpeting and sat next to Sakura. Sakura's heart belted at her rib cage. He's going to kiss me she squealed in her head. He's going to kiss me and that's why he's sitting next to me, she continued. Then the hysteria was cut short by the realization that the only reason he was sitting next her was so he didn't have to sit next to Naruto. Her train of thought wasn't derailed for long. He's still going to kiss me; the sentence did laps around her thoughts once more. What the hell is she staring at, Sasuke thought, have I got leaves in my hair or something? Sasuke's original mode of transport had been delayed. Something about a pink-haired maniac ripping a parking meter out of the ground and jamming it through the window of a taxi. After that, all the taxi drivers went on strike, refusing to go back to work unless the psychopath was caught and imprisoned. He'd had to walk (or that thing ninjas do that resembles flying and walking at the same time).

After 5 minutes sitting next to Sakura, Sasuke couldn't help but notice how beautiful she looked. Suddenly they weren't in a restaurant; they were beside a lake, under the falling blossoms of a cherry blossom tree. Sakura was wearing the kimono staring into his eyes, their faces drawing ever closer for the (inevitable) kiss.

"Sasuke, you're staring at that women and she doesn't look too happy," warned Naruto. Suddenly the scene dissolved before Sasuke's eyes, replaced by a woman who looked more at home at the buffet table than amongst her friends. She turned and huffed, strutting away (but secretly enjoying ever minute of it). Sasuke shook his head as if to throw off the mirage of cherry blossoms and romance, and to shake free the haunting images of the wobbling movements of the women's skin. HE'S FALLEN FOR THAT!!! Sakura bristled with indignation and offence. I GET DRESSED UP FOR THIS JERK AND HE FALLS FOR A JIGGLING MOUNTAIN!!! It took a moment for Sakura to realize he hadn't been staring at the lady, but past her. Then she remembered the discovery of that painting in Sasuke's closet (reference to "Heartbroken Support Group"). She'd deliberately worn a dress with the same shade of pink as the kimono in the painting, hoping he would hurry up and admit his feelings so she could see the look on Ino's face when she (subtly) sent her a tape of a romantic conversation with Sasuke.

Great, now both of them are staring at food, why won't anyone talk to me!? Naruto was getting impatient, waiting for his friends to make his evening fun. What's wrong with them, their staring at each other, the violins are playing some boring love song and some stuck up waiter has lit the candles, he thought. Can this evening get any worse? Then it did. The realization struck him like a 50 tonne kunai in the head. They're in love! He grimaced. EEEWWW! They're in love! Get me out of here, quick before they start kissing! He nervously fussed with the collar of his suit. That loser Sasuke is not getting Sakura, he thought. His mind began filling with plans to break them up. Then he stopped after discovering all of them involved itching powder. Well, he thought, I'm gonna have to start somewhere.

"Oh my goodness, is it becoming awfully hot in here. I think I'll just fan myself…" said Naruto innocently, pausing for effect, and then puling out Tamarie's huge fan. He'd snuck into her house to put exploding stink tags in her laundry and found it leaning against her bedroom door. Sufficed to say, his impulses got the better of him. Little did he know, Tamarie bought an even bigger one and was tearing the house apart with hurricane speed winds until Gara gave it back. The minute he unfolded the fan, both ninja snapped out of their love sickness and stared.

"Naruto...is that ...Tamari's fan?!" Sakura asked nervously, staring in disbelief at the over-sized fan. "You honestly aren't going to use that in here are you!? Put that back right now!" she yelled. The yelling would have drawn people's attention to the table if they hadn't already been transfixed in shock of a 7ft fan. Naruto grinned mischievously.

"Who says I can't use the fan in here?' he laughed. Suddenly Sakura snatched the fan out of Naruto hands.

"This thing here!" she growled, pointing to an indented set of Japanese characters on the handle of the fan. They read: **Warning! Giant Fans Inc bears no responsibility for the potential misuse of this hurricane-causing fan by immature blond ninja. DO NOT USE OR OPEN INDOORS!!! DO NOT USE TO FAN YOURSELF OR SOME DEATH MAY OCCUR! DO NOT USE TO BLOW OUT CANDLES! THAT MEANS YOU NARUTO! Batteries not included.**

"C'mon! How can a disclaimer be that exact! Not even the disclaimer trusts me!" complained Naruto.

"And this is the reason why, you idiot!" snapped Sasuke who'd snapped from his romantic daydream to see Naruto swinging a 7ft fan around. AHHH that Sasuke, Naruto thought. Making fun of me in front of Sakura!!! I'll show him!

"I think I'll just go outside to get some fresh air," mumbled Naruto, trudging out of the restaurant. But unbeknownst to Sakura and Sasuke, that was just an excuse to get out of sight. Naruto circled around the building and stopped at the air duct inlet, a gaping hole set in the white cement wall covered with a steel grate. "Time to get creative, ninja style" he grinned, shrugging off the heavy coat and opening the constricting cuffs and pulling out a small clothe package from a band around arm. Good thing I brought my emergency ninja kit, he thought. He wedged a kunai into the cement wall and vaulted up and wedged an exploding tag between the wall and the edge of the grate. BANG!

The small explosion blew a crater out of the wall. The vent covering flew off and into the ornamental lake. "Ops! Maybe a smaller tag next time…" he whispered to himself. Using the kunai as a foothold, he scrambled up the wall and into the vent, destroying the grace of the movement by banging his head on the top of the vent on his way in.

Back in the restaurant, Sakura and Sasuke resumed their sighing and day-dreaming (unintentional irony). As stationary as they were, their minds were practically streaming with thought. What's he thinking, Sakura wondered, hoping it was her. Unfortunately for her, it was. Sasuke was back in his home, watching it burn as Itache cackled with laughter, having already murdered his mother and father. It was the same torment every waking hour. The murder of his parents and the destruction of his home while he stood paralysed, unable to do anything about it. But something had changed. There was something in the burning house that shouldn't be. Sakura came running out, her face and hair covered in ash, ran to Sasuke, hugging him for support as sobs wracked her frame. Itache's face twisted into a perverted grin.

"So you've gone and fallen in love, brother?" he laughed, grabbing a handful of Sakura's hair and yanking her down on her knees. "Well, another thing to take away" he shrugged, pulling a vicious looking sword from a scarab at his hip. It was a cold grey with barbs sprouting down its blade, it glowed a cruel red, catching the light from the inferno. Itache placed its tip against Sakura's neck. Blood splattered across Sasuke's face. With a final jerk, he was back at the silk-covered table in the _Nero Gato_. Sakura stared, concern written (metaphorically) on her face.

"Sasuke, are you alright? You look like you've seen a ghost," said Sakura, passing him a glass of water.

"Fine" mumbled Sasuke, accepting the glass gratefully. His throat was dry as Texan Summer.

"Maybe some food will make you feel better" smiled Sakura. "I guess we'll have order without Kakashi-sensei".

"Yeah" Sasuke smiled back.

She picked up her menu and scanned through; hoping Sasuke didn't notice her blushing.

Back in the vents, Naruto was making progress. He was above the kitchen, choking on the burnt food fumes. He was just turning a corner when his head hit something. He looked up, cursing loudly.

"Watch it!" he yelled, then realised that there was someone else in the vents ahead of him.

"Naruto?!" whispered Ino. "What the hell are you doing in here?"

"None of you business!" he yelled.

"Not so loud" groaned Ino, clutching her ears. Naruto's voice reverberated around in the vent becoming much loader (and more obnoxious) than usual.

"Fine" he whispered. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"I'll tell you if you tell my why you're here too" she proposed.

"Ok".

"I'm trying to break up that billboard-brow Sakura and Sasuke"

"Really? That's weird, me too" he grinned.

"Wow, I'll make you a deal, you fix Sasuke and I'll get Sakura" Ino grinned. Their goals were getting that much closer. "I'll meet you at the bridge out the back when you're finished".

"Fine" grinned Naruto.

Back in the restaurant, Sakura was ordering.

"I'll have the chicken," murmured Sasuke, wishing the stuck-up waiter would leave.

"So that's one honey-soy chicken with vegetables, the lox with 3 bean salad and the _hamburger_?" said the waiter with a tone that was both condescending and disgusted (if you've ever had one of these jerks, you'll know what I'm ranting about). Instead of leaving the waiter just stood there with his palm out. "Will there be a tip?" Sakura was getting annoyed with this waiter. Oh, you want a tip, she thought, how 'bout I ram a kunai up your…

"Here" Sasuke threw a note into the waiter hand, willing to give a gold brick if it would get rid of the pompous jerk in front of him.

"Thank you, sir" the waiter then left (much to Sasuke's relief) and awkward conversation blossomed.

"So, Sasuke, did you see Kakashi-sensei on your way here?" Sakura started feebly.

"You know him, he'll keep us waiting all night" said Sasuke. "Do you have any idea what this 'diplomacy' thing is?" he asked.

"No idea what-so-ever" she sighed.

"Look, Sakura…" Sasuke's voice had softened dramatically. "Did you want to go outside? It's a beautiful night".

"Sure" Sakura replied, blushing.

Naruto sat outside, in the bushes waiting. He'd listened to the (semi) romantic conversation and his instinct told him now was the time to strike. He spied the two walking past the lake- the waterlilies were in bloom. They sat on a bench and talked, although out of range of the young ninja hearing. Damn, he thought, I've gotta get closer. He crept through the ornamental garden with practiced silence towards them. He stopped in a bush behind the bench.

"…What I really want to say is…" Sasuke's voice was different, almost warmer (then again, frost-bite is warmer that the usual tone he uses). Naruto almost yelled out. AAAHHH, Sasuke's moving in on Sakura, he thought, he's gonna kiss her, AHH. He quickly signalled out the voice transfer jutsu.

"I…"The jutsu took affect, giving Naruto Sasuke's voice.

"… Find you intensely repulsive" Naruto finished, using Sasuke's voice. Sakura gasped with horror. Sasuke was shocked too, because he realised he didn't say that. "No, I mean…"

"…You smell like a bucket of pig organs" Naruto finished, grinning at Sakura's reaction. She stood up looking close to tears.

"I didn't mean that!" Sasuke was wringing his hands in frustration. "I love…"

"..it when you leave, you always take you foul stink with you" finished Naruto. Everyone stopped. Naruto clasped his hands over his mouth. Sasuke and Sakura look behind the bench. The jutsu had worn off mid-sentence. Both ninja jumped out into the bush were Naruto was hiding, kunai raised. Both stopped when the saw the bush was empty, except for a frog with lines on either side of its face, like whiskers.

"What the hell just happened?" Sakura was still getting over the voice change.

"I don't know for sure, but I have a faint idea" growled Sasuke, glaring at the frog. Suddenly he ran forward and kicked the frog into the ornamental lake with a small splash. "I'll get you later Naruto" he growled quietly.

"Well, I can see our meals coming, let's go eat," sighed Sakura. Well that could have gone better, she thought, but why would he say things like that and then act like he wasn't the one who said it? Then an old lesson from Kakashi-sensei flicked through her memory. Voice transfer jutsu! Someone was in the bushes using a jutsu to split them up! Only one person is that sneaky, she thought, Ino-pig.

"What I was trying to say outside wasn't me, you know that, right?" Sasuke said in a low voice.

"Yes, voice transfer jutsu" she smiled, glad to show off her knowledge. "Anyway, what were you trying to say out there anyway?" she said innocently, knowing all to well what he was going to say.

Ino watched from up in the vent behind their table, seething with rage as Sakura seemed to show off deliberately. I'll show you, she thought with glee, signalling out the mind-transfer jutsu at Sakura. Her consciousness separated and floated out to the table. Suddenly Sakura dropped her fork.

"Darn, hold that thought" she murmured, bending down to get it. The energy passed right over her head and hit the fly stuck in the wax paper trap just past Sakura's seat.

"AHHHH! YOU MORON!! YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE YOU BOY-SEALING S…" Ino shrieked.

Sakura turned, annoyed by the violent buzzing of the fly on the trap. Stupid fly, thought Sakura as she flicked the fly off the paper and through the candle flame of a neighbouring table.

"FIRE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH" screamed fly-Ino, now a flying ball of pest. She crashed violently back to the vent and released to poor fly to burn up, her mind now back where it should be. Oh you're gonna pay, she seethed.

Naruto waited, bored at the bridge, picking tadpoles from his hair and spitting them from his mouth. Ino came out from the shadows of the garden and walked up beside him. They both just stood there, one singed, the other soaked.

"Did it work?" said Ino, annoyed at the success of her own plan.

"Yeah it worked!" exclaimed Naruto, not willing to admit to his enormous failure.

"Yeah, so did mine" said Ino hurriedly, too proud to tell of her ordeal. The two just stood there. Then Sakura and Sasuke walked out onto the balcony. Ino and Naruto's heads turned; looking in horror at the scene they'd been dreading.

"I thought you said you're plan worked!" they both turned and yelled at each other.

Sasuke was sweating like he was in a sauna, despite the cool breeze.

"So what was it you wanted to tell me?' asked Sakura.

"Well…I…What I wanted to say was…I…love you" The Ino and Naruto watched on in horror as they kissed, Ino banging her head against a tree and Naruto sunk in a heap. Then a last desperate idea hit Ino.

"There's a thought!" she grinned. She left the tree (which was now sporting dints of all sizes) and walked inside. She picked up ...Tamarie's big fan and turned the hurricane dial up to full.

"You're in for it now!" she cackled.

The two new lovers broke apart, smiling. Suddenly Ino burst through the door, waiters hanging off her trying to subdue her.

"SAKURA!!!" she shrieked. She unfolded the fan and swung. The entire restaurant exploded with tempest winds. The sculptures flew through the air; the shrubs were ripped from the soil and silverware danced erratically around in the hurricane. Sakura and Sasuke watched from the front of the house.

"She fell for a gen-jutsu, what an idiot" Sakura grinned, holding Sasuke's hand that little bit tighter.

"How'd you know something like that would happen?" marvelled Sasuke, absolutely astounded by Sakura's plan. They'd already kissed before they went out onto the balcony and knowing something was wrong, Sakura consulted Sasuke on the feeling and they'd put a gen-jutsu on the balcony. Naruto and Ino (blinded by rage) didn't suspect a thing. Their laughter rang out into the night as they watched the fireworks of the fan.

"I can't believe I did that," groaned Ino, struggled home, supported by Naruto, both covered in debris.

"Well, it's not _that_ bad," grinned Naruto.

"_How _exactly is it not all that bad" seethed Ino.

"You know, we'd make a nice couple" he murmured bashfully. Ino just sighed.

"Fine… but only after I get home and regain feeling in my legs" she sighed again as they limped off into the night…

"Do you think maybe we should kiss too?" gambled Naruto. His strangled pleas for mercy echoed out into the night for absolutely no one to here.

Back at the wreckage that was once the _Nero Gato_, Kakashi-sensei stood still, staring at the rubble.

"Where is everyone?"


	4. Joey's Guide to Extreme Sports Ch1

_**Author's Note**_

This one was one of my first fanfics. I've discontinued it because I didn't get enough indication that the series was worth continuing. But you can enjoy how far I got with it. So, from me, please enjoy and review.

**Joey's Guide to Extreme Sports**

Tristan stared at the sealing above his bed, searching for something, anything to grab his attention and relieve his boredom. The TV was dead, after a horrific accident involving Joey, 3 bottles of Saki and the "Party Mix 2007" album. Tristan cringed as he remembered the night of nights. Just then he heard a crash and creak coming from the hall. He swung off the bed and flew around the corner in time to Joey hauling a load of whau looked like extreme sports equipment, down the attic stairs.

"Hey Tristan, look what I got!" Joey grinned his usual well meaning but potentially catastrophic grin. "I went lookin' for my old cards up here and I found all this cool stuff I don't even remember buying!" Just then he overbalanced on the ladder and came crashing down in a storm of bungee cords and diving equipment.

"Joey, what are you thinking? That's my grandma's stuff; she'll kill me if you break it!" Tristan yelled. "And if she finds out it was you she'll go kung-fu on your butt".

Then, the doorbell rang.

"Who the hell is that!" groaned Tristan. The weekend for him was about to get fatally worse.

Joey hopped to answer the door, still tangled in bungee cords and rock climbing harnesses. After several attempts at opening the door with his teeth, Tristan gave him a hand.

"Hi-ya guys" said Bakura walking in past Tristan, followed by Malic, and almost tipping Joey over on his way past.

"Hello Malic, hi Bakura" said Tristan with a sigh, having already given up all hope of a peaceful weekend.

"Hey Tristan, what's up" said Malic in mock warmth.

"Nothing" said Tristan, wishing it was true.

Then Bakura noticed what Joey was wrapped in.

"Hey, I didn't know you guy were into extreme sports!" he exclaimed, seeing potential for disaster (with a little encouragement). "What are you guys doing with this stuff?"

Then that pain in the butt idea hit Joey.

"How 'bout we go on an extreme sports weekend! Just us guys, living on the edge for the weekend!" Joey exclaimed, basking in the glory of his idea.

Tristan groaned in horror. This can't end well he thought. Bakura secretly grinned as his evil plan took shape.

That night, Tristan tossed and turned as visions of bungee accidents danced in his head. Legs twisted and mangled, a sight truly sick, fingers dislocated, back in with a click!

Joey however was having a great time, dreaming of millions of (female) swimsuit models yelling his name as he performed the world's first bungee jump off of Pegasus' tower. He stood there soaking up the applause of the strangely all female crowd. Ms. Japan 2006 came up close in a bikini to present him with his medal and whispered in his ear.

"BEEP, BEEP, BEEP…"

Joey woke with a start, taking a minute to realise where he was. He strutted out into the kitchen to find Tristan sitting over a huge cup of coffee, looking like the undead with a hangover.

"Bad dream. Don't ask" he mumbled almost to his coffee.


	5. Joey's Guide to Extreme Sports Ch2

_**Author's Note**_

This was one I wrote later, after being guilt-ridden enough to write it. I did it while on holidays at the coast. I decided to introduce a love-interest and did just that. I think it turned out ok. So from me, please enjoy and review. Concrit is welcome, flames will be ignored.

**She Stole his Heart and Charged a Tip **

"Are we there yet?" whined Joey practically hanging over Tristan from the back seat.

"Joey, do you remember what I told you when you asked 10 minutes ago?" said Tristan, tempted to let go of the wheel and strangle him.

"Yeah, you said you'd tie me to the roof with duct tape" said Joey, oblivious of how serious Tristan was.

"No, before that" Tristan said through gritted teeth.

"That you'd tell me when we got close" said Joey, still oblivious to the homicidal look in Tristan's eyes.

"So you don't need to keep asking!" yelled Tristan, swerving dangerously on the road.

"Okay, but I have one question" said Joey innocently.

"And what's that?" asked Tristan.

"Are we there yet?"

The car swerved suddenly to a stop on the side of the road.

_5 minutes and a roll of duct tape later._

"C'mon, let me down already, I'm getting bugs in my teeth" Joey yelled above the roar of the wind, struggling in his duct tape prison on the roof.

"Sorry, I can't hear you!" Tristan yelled back, turning the radio up; a look of absolute serenity on his face. Not even being rear-ended 6 times in the traffic dented his calm. If only it lasted.

An hour and a half later, Tristan reached the 'Matto Capri' resort, a tropical themed resort on the water front with pools, palm trees and tiki torches as far as the eye could see. After a fairly uneventful check-in, all hope for the weekend was shattered. Joey met the porter.

"Helena! For god's sake woman, where the hell are you! We've got guests!" bellowed the women at the desk, her face going red and the veins in her neck pulsating.

"Alright, I'm coming, I'm coming, keep your pointy hat and broomstick on, I'm coming!" yelled a female voice from around the corner, sounding annoyed and bored at the same time. The women at the desk cringed at what seemed like an insult commonly directed at her. A beautiful young women came quickly down the stairs at strode towards the desk, her long, black hair swaying as she walked. Her icy blue eyes whipped from the woman at the desk to Joey, Tristan and their bags. She disappeared into the room behind the desk and came back with a large trolley. She quickly and professionally threw the bags onto the trolley and lightly took the bag from Joey's hand (who'd been standing there like a zombie, drooling all over the plush carpet). Joey blushed at their hands touched briefly. Helena walked off into the elevator, holding the door for the 2 guests. Little did the porter know that she took more than just Joey's bag; she took his heart. Joey just stood there, looking like he forgot to pack his brain before he left.

"Are you coming sir?" Helena said, a little peeved at how long this was taking. After all, she was going to lunch with her friends in 5 minutes and she needed to sneak off soon.

Tristan took pity on him and walked out, grabbed him by the arm and guided him into the elevator. When they got to the room, Helena dumped the luggage on the ground outside the door, talked briefly with Tristan (who cringed and pulled out his wallet) and walked off quickly. Joey watched her go, the light from the lamps casting shadows over her pale face as she flicked her hair and disappeared round the corner. Tristan looked a Joey, waving his hand in front of Joey's face and getting no reaction.

Oh man, I've seen that look before, he thought. This isn't going to end well.

Tristan sighed and dragged Joey inside, who was still acting like a (love-sick) zombie.

Later that night (with the help of a 'complementary' bucket of ice water), Tristan snapped Joey out of his love induced coma and began planning the 'Extreme Weekend'.

"First we'll go bungee jumping at Green Gully, and then we rock-climb down Death Canyon" said Joey, over-flowing with anticipation. "Then we go spelunking in Glowing Caves, and then we head to the beach and go water skiing…"

"Joey, we have to stop for food, bathroom breaks and maybe just enjoy the facilities here for today then go tomorrow, and leave on Sunday" said Tristan, taking charge of the weekend before it ran off into chaos like a bottle rocket.

"Well, if you wanna do it your way!" Joey fumed, but accepted the plan after a lengthy string of threats involving the creative uses of duct tape.

It was a warm afternoon so Joey and Tristan changed into board shorts and went swimming in the resort pool. It was a huge collection of pools (both heated and not so heated) and spas but when Joey saw Helena reclining in the spa in only a (small) bikini on, his choice was made.

"Hey, Helena, isn't it?" grinned Joey as slick as he could manage, sliding in next to her.

"Um…hi" she squirmed, wondering why the hell this weirdo knew her name. Wait a minute, she thought, isn't he that zombie I had to deal with in the lobby?

"Do you come out here often after work?" said Joey, trying to make conversation.

"Um…yeah, sometimes…" she murmured, hoping he would leave. Helena turned; looking towards the lobby, wishing Margaret would call her and give her an excuse to leave.

"Sorry, I didn't get your name," said Joey, grinning at that flash of brilliance.

"It's Helena, I think I carried your bags when you checked in" Helena mumbled.

"Oh yeah, sorry, I was kinda fazed out back there, uh…. lack of sleep, you know?" Joey covered.

Is it just my imagination or is this guy kinda cute, Helena thought. I n a goofy, boyish sort of way that is she amended. All right…if Margaret doesn't call me in the next 5 minutes, I'll give him a chance, she decided, mentally kicking herself for falling for the goofy one. She started the timer on her watch.

"This must be a great place to work, spas, saunas, pools, it must be heaven!" Joey made another attempt at conversation.

Ok here's you chance, Helena thought, don't screw it up.

"Yeah, but it gets lonely, people you meet one minute are gone before you can sneeze, I mean this is my last weekend before I go back to my dad's place so I'll be gone too" she sighed.

"Where's your dad live?" Joey asked, sensing his opportunity.

"Just off the Kirin Highway, near the railway station, on the hill" Helena said, almost glad he took the bait.

"You mean that huge house on Holtville Boulevard, we live on Aldine Close, just 15 minutes walk away!" exclaimed Joey, suspecting divine intervention.

"Wow, hey I was thinking, there's this new restaurant just down from the resort the: the Lava Lounge, did you wanna go?" she said, glad of the excuse to get out of the house. "I get off at 7 tonight" she winked.

"Yeah, I'll pick you up outside the lobby!" Joey grinned, wishing that Tristan were there to witness his romantic victory.

"Helena, where the bloody hell are you, you useless girl, if you're in the spa so help me you'll be in for it!!" Margaret yelled at 90 decibels, the vein in her neck throbbing. Helena checked her watch, 5.1 minutes.

"What the hell are you doing in there, curing the common cold? Hurry up!" Tristan banged at the bathroom door.

Joey, oblivious to Tristan's violent cursing on the other side of the door; was waging war with his unruly hair. After combing his hair down into something that resembled neatness, he strutted out of the bathroom, looking smug. Oh man, oh man, she's gonna fall head-over-heels for you, he thought, this is gonna be great. He grinned as he walked out into the lobby, looking nearly slick, his black coat swishing as he walked and his black trousers completing the look. Lookout girls, Joey the lady-killer's on the loose, he thought. He was so self-absorbed; he walked into the glass sliding door and fell back into the over-sized ornamental vase, the lights on the roof dancing before his eyes.

"Joey… what the hell are you doing?" Helena sighed, walking out from the staff room behind the front desk. "Here, let me give you a hand". She walked out towards him her long black dress flowing out behind her.

With Helena's help, Joey managed to dislodge the vase from his backside.

After an uneventful drive to the Lava Lounge, they got a table outside beside a huge ornamental pond.

"I'm so glad we didn't have to sit near one of those huge lava lamps inside, those things give me a headache," Helena breathed a sigh of relief. She stared out into the distant full moon, visibly relaxing. Joey saw his opportunity to really look at her. Her frosty eyes had calmed to a liquid blue and her face, usually tense with annoyance, was smooth, her lips curved almost invitingly. Doing what any hot-blooded male would do, his eyes slipped lower, suddenly noticing how the dress clung to her hips. Oh man she's hot, he thought, I gotta make this right, she deserves the best time she's ever had, he thought. Suddenly he stopped, wondering what had brought that strange, almost alien thought into his head. Instead of the usual desire to get up close and personal, he felt like he wanted to make her happy and never let anything hurt her ever again.

"So, what'd you want to order?" Helena smiled, waving a menu in front of his face, bringing him back form his deep emotional revelation.

"What would the madam recommend?" Joey faked a pompous accent.

They both laughed for the first of many times that night.

Later that night, Joey drifted back up to his room after dropping Helena off at her mum's house and taking off before her mum could come out and things got nasty.

He drifted into his bed and soon fell asleep, with dreams of Helena practically oozing out of his ears. Tristan was still dreaming the equivalent to "World's Most Horrific Extreme Sports Accidents".

"Good morning Joey!" Tristan exclaimed, flinging the bedroom curtain wide open bathing the room in the golden glow of the rising sun.

"Ahhhh, the light, it burns!!!" croaked Joey, flailing around, trying to escape the corrosive sunlight. Suddenly he over balanced, falling out of bed. Now free of the vicious glare of the morning sun, he abruptly felt his stomach twist and a conga party started in his head.

"And it seems someone had a little too much to drink last night…" crowed Tristan, who after spending last night alone in the hotel room, was all too willing to seek revenge on an enfeebled Joey. "So, what would you like for breakfast this fine morning?" Tristan enquired innocently. "Maybe scrambled eggs, bacon and 3 serves of pancakes swimming in caramel-banana sauce, and maybe some croissants?"

"Oh god...not food...have mercy…" Joey moaned, suddenly sitting bolt upright and running for the bathroom with one hand over his mouth, the other holding his stomach. Tristan rolled on the floor in hysterical laughter to the beat of wrenching from behind the bathroom door.

Maybe this holiday won't turn out so bad after all, Tristan thought optimistically.

If only…..


	6. The Good, the Bad and the Fluffy

_**Author's Note**_

This is my first and hopefully last commission, requested (aggressively) by Anime Pixie255. Strangely enough, it's my most loved/hated fanfic. It was flamed 3 times and concrit was given twice. Then Kovu 01 came along…

But anyway, please tell me what you liked or hated about this fic and I'll keep it in mind next time I write another fanfic.

So, please enjoy and review. Concrit is welcome, flames will be ignored.

**The Good, the Bad, and the Fluffy**

Naruto lay face down in bed, wondering if it was worth getting up. He weighed up the situation: it was probably 40 below, it was Saturday morning and Sakura wasn't yelling at him to get yet so it was at least 8 o'clock. Nope, I'm not getting up, he decided, sinking a little further into the warm pillow.

_Fwuuummmp_

Something hit the window. Something soft and feathery, he thought, trying to work out what it was. He ended up with a mental image resembling a hacky-sack with wings. Finally his curiosity won against his laziness and he dragged himself out of bed, over to the window and looked down. Yup, a hack-sack with wings… he thought, realising that he'd been duped by fate into getting out of bed. Just then the hack-sack with wings moved. It rolled back onto what Naruto assumed were feet and sat up, looking up at Naruto with a look that could put Betty Boop to shame. Okay…maybe not a hacky-sack with wings, he thought as the thing stared him down with the mother of all pleading looks. Naruto folded his arms across his chest and glared at the bird-like thing. It looked like someone had taken a fluffy little yellow bird and inflated it out of proportion. It was yellow, fluffy and _damn_ it was cute. Naruto sighed and went back to bed; he flopped face down into the face-shaped dint in the pillow and tried to pick up where he left off. Unfortunately he'd left the blind open; the rays of the sun burning into the warm, fuzzy haze of sleep. The pillow muffled his moan. He dragged himself over to the window and grabbed the blind. The bird thingy tweeted at him, bouncing up and down like the ball it resembled. Then the bird thingy decided it wanted to play a game. It twittered, flew up onto the windowsill and dosed Naruto with pleading eyes that could melt the granite heart of a Bank Manager. Unfortunately Naruto was barely conscious and his brain wasn't up to processing anything more complicated than annoyance. He slammed the blind on the fluffy, big-eyed bird thingy. He shuffled back to his bed and sank into the covers. He felt himself drift gently off. Meanwhile the bird thingy was not happy about being ignored. It flew off and returned with a digital alarm clock. It pecked several buttons and sat it on Naruto's windowsill. The clock ticked over to 7:30am and the alarm sounded.

_EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP_

"Muff ufff!" What (expletive) Naruto had tried to say had been muffled by the pillow (much to my T rating's gratitude).

Naruto stalked out of bed and walked over to the blind and ripped the window. He'd had just about enough sleep interruptions for the day. He glared at the bird-thingy with blood-shot eyes and used _resengan_ on the alarm clock. It exploded with a shower if batteries, components and plastic. The symbolism was all too clear. The bird thingy, suddenly more aware of the fatality of the situation, hopped back a few branches out of the way of the big ugly blond monster. Naruto slammed down the window, reefed the blind shut and staggered back to bed. This time he wasn't getting out of bed for anything less than an earthquake. The door slammed open and Sakura skipped into the room wearing her 'Fuzzy-blue-birds- and-rainbows-yet-mildly-homicidal' expression. Her 'Kiss the chef and I Kick Your Ass" apron flapped as she twirled into the room.

"C'mon Naruto! Wake up! You've been asleep for _way_ too long and you're missing a wonderful day!" she smiled, on the verge of breaking out into song and dance.

"Ufff Mmph" cursed Naruto, not even bothering to raise his head from the comforting depths of the pillow. Sakura, who noticed she wasn't making her intentions clear, walked/danced to the window (humming "I don't feel like Dancing" ironically) and yanked up the blind with a _Crack_ that made even Naruto jump. Then she saw the bird-thingy. She stopped her routine rampage and stared. Her eyes misted over. She seemed to fall into a trance-like state. The bird thingy chirped triumphantly. Naruto's head shot up from inside the pillow. What the hell is that damn ball with feathers doing back here again and was it his imagination, or was that bird thingy grinning?

"Awwww! Naruto! Look!" she cooed in that nasty lovey-dovey-cutesy-wootsy tone only girls seem to be able to pull. "He's so cute! Have you ever seen anything cuter?" Her eye's twinkled in the half-light of the morning. You bet I have, he thought, suddenly feeling more awake then ever. Much to his dismay, Sakura reefed open the window and let the bird thingy in. It flashed what looked to Naruto like a smug grin and hopped onto Sakura's arm. "Awwww, look Naruto, he likes me!" she giggled, as it hopped up her arm. Ahhh, that bird's going _down_, he seethed inside. Already he was putting together a master plan to _annihilate_ the blasted puffball! The bird thingy fluttered from Sakura's neck and landed on Naruto's drawer. It hopped into an open section. Naruto heard a faint evil laugh and it emerged with a half-eaten bar of chocolate. Naruto jumped out of bed and lunged at the bird.

"That's mine you pint size chicken!" he growled. The bird winked and downed the whole half-bar in one gulp. "AHHHHHHHH!" Naruto wrapped his hands around its neck and squeezed. It popped out of his grip like a bar of soap and landed in his _Dirty Laundry _sack. The bundle jumped and squirmed as the bird fought for freedom amongst the noxious fumes of Naruto's socks. It finally emerged gasping for air. It got out, and then collapsed, falling from the sack to the floor with a resounding _thump_. Sakura rushed over and picked up the coughing yellow bird-thingy into her arms after standing transfixed in horror by the recent events "Naruto! How could you hurt it like that! It was only the chocolate! You nearly killed it!" she exclaimed. Sorry, I'll try harder next time, he thought sourly. As if she were reading his thoughts, her head snapped around fixing him with a look that'd make a grown man cry. "I need a book on birds; I want to find out what he eats. Sasuke has one and I _was_ going to go myself but since you suddenly awake, you can go" she said with a tone that nearly gave him frostbite.

"Fine" he growled, stomping to the bathroom.

_10 minutes later_

"Why can't she see that bird's evil!" he seethed, stalking along the street towards Sasuke's house. He barely noticed the dark clouds creeping over the bright blue horizon. "It's some psycho-bird thingy and she's cuddling it!" He threw his hands in the air in frustration. He scuffed his feet along the path as he stalked onward. He turned sharply and cut across a park, trudging through the grass, the dew rubbing off onto his ankles; the cold sent shocks up his leg. Finally Sasuke's house loomed on the horizon, growing ever closer as Naruto approached. The dark paint seemed to take on the shimmering colours of the morning sun. Naruto walked in the garden gate and made a beeline for the door, hoping Sasuke hadn't put a trap on the door like last time. Memories of the singeing he'd received danced in his head as he walked across the lawn. Suddenly he noticed a large white, hand painted sign stuck from the middle of the lawn like a demented toothpick.

**KEEP OFF THE GRASS**

He scratched his head. I didn't pick Sasuke as the garden freak type, he thought. He walked on past it. Another sign like the one before stuck up out of the immaculate lawn. Funny, I didn't see a sign there a minute ago, he thought

**TURN BACK NOW**

Naruto had gone from slightly curious to perturbed, and he hadn't even reached the front door yet. He turned back to the front door. Another sign had popped up out of nowhere.

**I'M WARNING YOU**

Now it was getting creepy. Signs appearing out of nowhere, disturbing messages. Now it was getting threatening. Naruto secretly slid his kunai out of its catch in his sleeve. He walked further until another sign appeared. He began wondering what Sasuke's problem was.

**LAST CHANCE**

"That's it!" he yelled at no one in particular. "Stuff the signs! Screw the threats!" He kicked over the sign and ran for it. Then he felt the ground itself shift underneath him. He stopped, transfixed with fear. Suddenly the grass twisted itself into ropes and wrapped themselves around his hands, pulling him down. The rest of the grass wrapped around Naruto, effectively binding him and rendering him helpless. "Let me go you overgrown crabgrass" he yelled. He used resengan and blew a hole in the side of the vine like growths. He then used his free hand to hack away at the grass with his kunai. "I'm not losing to a clump of weeds!" he jeered. The grass seemed strangely insulted by that and fought harder, grew faster and even started growing itchy prickles. He too fought with renewed fervour, thinking of how Sakura would react to having to have to save him from Sasuke's front lawn. He hacked on vines on his feet and made his break for freedom. The grass vines shot after him. Naruto flew across the lawn, moving faster than he ever thought possible. The front veranda was only a few metres away. Then the petunias attacked. The flowers turned to face him and from the depths of their colourful pink petals shot _more_ vines. Why'd it have to psycho-plants? Why couldn't it have been some generic villain that pops up and attacks? He had plenty of experience dealing with those. But c'mon…psycho-plants? "Who the heck is coming up with this cp?" he yelled, getting slightly out of breath from running for his life.

_(Writer's Intervention)_

Suddenly an evil laugh fills the air.

"I'm writing this cp and you better get used to it 'cause I'm not gonna stop any time soon!" The voice seems to come from everywhere at once. Then the Cherry tree extended a large, thick limb and coat hangers him. He does a flip in the air and lands, backside first into an extremely oversized, carnivorous-looking clump of _cacti_ (plural for cactus if you don't already know that). The evil, resonating cackle turns to hysterical laughter as Naruto emerges from the clump covered in tiny, itchy spines.

"That's not funny!" Naruto snapped indignantly. Then the voice returned.

"You bet it is!" laughed the voice, strained from the fits of laughter. "And for future reference: don't blame the writer!" Naruto could feel the twinge of annoyance behind the sound. "Now get moving!"

"No"

The clouds on the horizon boomed angrily as they drifted towards him.

"Not moving!" he sulked. "There's nothing you can do to make me move!"

_This is going to get a little too graphic for some readers; you don't need to see this._

Suddenly (about 5 minutes later) Naruto, covered in claw marks, 3rd degree burns, giant footprints, seaweed, piranhas and 'I love you Sasuke' stickers, came running to Sasuke's front door.

"Ok-ok-ok-ok! I'm going, see!" he yelled, putting on more speed.

(_Hehehe…don't mess with the writer_)

He practically rammed into the front door, banging on it desperately while yelling for Sasuke to let him in! He banged some more on the door and turned around to see that the garden had gone back to _mildly uncharacteristic_. The man-eating clump of cacti gave Naruto a wink. He stared in disbelief. Just then, a bleary-eyed Sasuke opened the door.

"This had better be important!" he snapped. Naruto practically ran over him to get inside. He slammed shut, locked and barricaded the door and sat, panting on the dark carpet, looking like he'd just been through a war zone. Sasuke raised an eyebrow as if to say, "What the hell have you been up to, you idiot?" Naruto slowly stood back up and took a deep breath.

"_**WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU PUT IN THAT GARDEN**_" he yelled at the top of his lungs, feeling more and more irate with every syllable. _**"YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME!!!"**_

Sasuke just yawned in reply, making Naruto's blood pressure spike even higher.

"I put in the killer plants to capture my brother so I could kill him if he ever came here. Only a person with that kind of confidence in their power would have ignored the signs and walked on the grass," he said calmly. It made Naruto feel suddenly proud. "Or someone dumber than a bottle root beer". The pride shrivelled. "So why the hell are you here again?"

Naruto was speechless for a minute. Why'd he come here again? Oh yeah, the book! Then he had a (rare) flash of inspiration. Sasuke had a huge collection of weapons, he grinned, a plan forming in his head.

"Sakura wanted that bird book you got yesterday. She wants to know about some pest bird and how to get rid of it! It's a real pain and it's really getting on her nerves," he said, trying to keep a straight face. He marvelled at the simplicity of his plan. Sasuke would loan him an all-mighty weapon to wipe that bird off the face of the Earth, Sakura would forget that hack-sack with wings and he would have undivided attention. Fool proof! He smirked as the plan was (unrealistically) enacted in his head. The smirk became a full-blown villainous laugh. Sasuke backed away a little, seeing Naruto act more evil than him was freaking him out.

"Uh…Naruto?" Naruto's fantasies involving an over-sized sword and a man eating, fuzzy, spherical bird, were cut short. Naruto turned around and fixed Sasuke with a glare.

"What!?" he snapped. He never seemed to finish a dream. Sasuke looked extremely disturbed, if not concerned.

"You came here for a book and a weapon…" said Sasuke slowly; wishing Naruto should get back on his medication.

"Oh yeah!" he exclaimed, slapping his head. Sasuke walked off quickly down the hall, turned a corner and was gone. Naruto went back to plans for world domination and the like. He slumped into a dark armchair and grinned, occasionally burst out laughing manically every so often. But even evil plotting gets old sometime. Sasuke didn't return for quite some time and Naruto (having an attention span of a 3 year old) got bored. His eyes swept the room, looking for something, _anything_, fun. The room seemed comfy enough, with dark walls, dark furniture, and decorative kunai hanging on the walls. Gee, Sasuke loves black, thought Naruto, suddenly feeling a little claustrophobic. The only bright thing in the room seemed to be a ray of sunshine, squeezing through a narrow gap in the curtain. The dark seemed almost hostile towards the sickly ray of light, pressing in on it from all sides, like it was trying to force it from the room like a bar of soap. Naruto's gaze wandered further. He suddenly noticed a large bookcase in the corner of the room. It was almost invisible; the dark finish on the bookcase next to the dark walls made it seem almost non-existent, if not remotely suspect. Naruto searched the spines of the books from his vantage point in the chair. 'To Be Emo- The Guide', 'The Stupidity Code: Understanding your Idiot', 'The Glass is Definitely Half-empty', 'Suicide, Homicide and Pesticides Made Easy', 'Pro Nun Wrestling Weekly', "NaruSasu: A Love Story". _Hey, wait a minute_, he thought. He rose from his chair and double-checked what he was reading. Oh man that's creepy, he though. This is really weird. His eyes widened with shock as he flicked through 'Pro Nun Wrestling Weekly'. Naruto put the magazine back and sat back down. "I'm glad that's the only disturbing thing on the shelf" he said quietly, sitting back down with a _thub_. Just then he saw a weird pink glow coming from the hallway. But Sasuke hates pink, he thought. His laziness fought his curiosity. It was a bitter and close fight but eventually curiosity came out on top. He got up and went to investigate. He tracked the glow back to a door. Once again, black on black. The pink light seemed to spike out from under the door, impaling the oppressive haze of black that seemed to inhabit the house. Naruto's curiosity led him further. He reached out and flung the door wide open. A torrential ray of pink light blinded him. He fell back, covering his eyes as the pink burned into his retina. He shakily stood back up, trying to shade his eyes with his hands. That wasn't going to work. He flailed around, looking for the door-knob, nearly tripping over a semi-dead pot plant by the door. His hand met the cool brass of the door and he wrapped his fingers around the handle and yanked it shut again. Dark sulkily reclaimed corridor, only shying away from the pink spines of light sticking out from under the door. Naruto stood still, breathing hard and thinking 'What the hell?' over and over. He finally managed to calm down and bring some order to his thoughts. Okay, Sasuke has a fountain of pink in his house, he thought, trying to comprehend Sasuke even letting pink in his house, let alone devoting a whole room to it. He looked back at the door curiously, wondering what could make so much pink. He was about to go back for a second face full of pink when a pair of sunglasses caught his eye. They were jammed between the pot plant and the wall. Okay, that was convenient, he thought. He bent down and picked them up. They were made by some brand he'd never heard of and they were just plain, generic sunglasses. He slipped them on and had a flash of inspiration. "_You idiot Naruto_" he said, imitating Sasuke. "_I am a dumb emo-loser with an obsession with black and I'm only calling you an idiot because I'm so jealous of you and I secretly have a crush on y…_"

"Oh for crying out loud Naruto! Get moving!" the intangible voice said, which seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere all at once. Naruto stopped, the glasses almost dropped off his face with surprise. He slowly turned around to the door and opened it. The solid wall of pink light hit him; he cringed backwards…then discovered the glasses stopped the pink. Naruto crept forward out of the doorway. He turned to the room and stopped once again in shock. The pink had been bad enough, but _this_…this was disturbing. A huge pink four-poster bed sat against one wall (covered in hot pink), a huge (pink) toy-box at the end. The wardrobe door hung open, revealing many (pink) tutus, (pink) overalls, (pink) boots and a (pink) row of (pink) handbags…(pink). Naruto was transfixed with horror; the implications flew into his head unbidden. He cringed. Sasuke in a tutu just seemed too morally wrong to be conceivable. He walked forward, noticing the fluffy (pink) rug on the floor and felt suddenly more thankful for the pair of (conveniently located) sunglasses. Then he noticed another door, right around the other side of the wardrobe, a pink door (duh, what else would it be?). A pink door with a padlock! He may as well put a plaque on it saying 'Come in Naruto', Naruto thought, grinning to himself mischievously. He whipped out his lock-picking kit he'd brought for things like these. He strode over and kneeled down in front of the lock; suddenly glad he'd payed attention during at least one lesson that year. He made quick work of the padlock and strode in. You'd think after that episode there'd be nothing about Sasuke that could ever shock Naruto ever again. Guess again. This room was pitch-black, except for a few candles in the centre of the room. Naruto came closer to investigate, moving with practiced silence across the (sickeningly pink) carpet. He stopped. The candles were sitting on a wooden shrine, placed in a pattern around a picture in a frame. The candlelight reflecting off of the glass hid the subject of the picture so Naruto inched forward, hoping Sasuke hadn't set more traps. He jumped as the old floorboards creaked under him. I hate old houses, he though, almost kicking himself for reacting to something like that. Years of ninja training had done nothing for his logic. He crept closer and discovered the picture, the shrine, heck; the whole (insanely pink) room was devoted to _Ninja Kitty_! Naruto gasped. Of all the creepy things, it had to be _Ninja Kitty_!

"Naruto, which weapon did Sakura need?" Sasuke's voice rang through the house; Naruto ran silently from the room, back to the chair he'd sat on earlier. Just as he sat down, Sasuke turned the corner and walked over to him, carrying a hardcover book and a small bag of marbones. "Here's the book" he murmured. "And a weapon I've been saving. I didn't know which one you needed so I picked an all-rounder".

"Marbones?" Naruto looked disappointedly at the small cloth bag of thick needles. "That's the mighty Sasuke's special weapon?" Sasuke raised an eyebrow and threw one out the window. The deadly projectile sailed through the air and landed in the front yard of the house across the cul-de-sac. It buried itself in the backside of a large, mechanical Santa that had yet to get sick of singing "I Wish You a Merry Christmas". Then...the mushroom cloud rivalling Nagasaki. The roar from the explosion shook the whole house, rattling the "Merry Christmas 2005" lights from the poor neighbour's roof. Ragged, smouldering pieces of red cloth rained like a travesty of winter snow. Naruto stared in total shock/amazement/horror at the smoking crater left in the neighbour's lawn. Sasuke grinned smugly as Naruto gaped. His mind filled with devious uses for these new toys. He grinned manically as each idea produced a smouldering pile of yellow feathers and ash. He laughed villainously. Sasuke was now getting _really _disturbed. Since when has Naruto had an evil laugh? And since when did he have an interest in blowing things up. Who thinks this stuff up?

"I believe that would be me you ungrateful emo!" came the intangible voice that seemed to follow Naruto, sound ever so slightly ticked off. Sasuke looked around, searching for whoever had talked. This is getting weird, he thought.

"And it's only going to get weirder" laughed the voice. Sasuke's head shot around. Had it been reading his mind? He could have sworn he had heard it right behind him.

"Show yourself, you weak, cowardly loser!" snapped Sasuke. He wasn't used to this kind of disrespect.

"I don't think I like your tone…" the voice was getting annoyed. Naruto suddenly recognised the voice and strafed over near Sasuke.

"Don't tick it off!" he whispered. "Bad stuff happens when it gets mad!"

"Listen to the blond! He's right (for once). Don't mess with the writer." The voice was getting angry and Sasuke had had just about enough. Things where going to get ugly.

"What are you going to do about!" he yelled, pulling out a huge meat cleaver.

"Naruto, I think you have an appointment with a bird-thingy nearing the end of its days," said the voice calmly. Naruto needed no further warning. He sprinted out the door and was half way down the path (he kept off the grass this time) when he heard a herd of elephants break through the side of Sasuke's house, bones break, a torrent of running water, several small, snapping jaws and a piano crash through the roof then, for the finale, a bolt of lightening and the sound of clucking chickens. Naruto turned around to see a pile of rubble, a broken piano splayed across the floor, piranha floundering in puddles of water and a small, beaten-up looking black chicken sitting on top of a pile of Sasuke's clothes. Naruto stared, shocked at the mayhem around him. His brain processed the information. There's a chicken buried in Sasuke's clothes in a singed crater.

"Sasuke's a nudist chicken farmer!?" he exclaimed, cringing as the mental image popped unbidden into his head, making him shudder.

"Look, Naruto, I know you not the brightest bulb but please, make an effort!" the voice sighed. Naruto looked puzzled. What do you mean, not the brightest bulb! What else is this supposed to mean?

"Naruto…" said the voice, sounding irritated. Thunderclouds boomed on the horizon menacingly. Naruto jumped, suddenly trying harder to put 2 & 2 together. Suddenly the realisation hit him.

"Sasuke! You're a chicken!" he laughed down at the black chicken.

The chicken clucked several times in reply and suddenly looked very embarrassed (if not humbled). Naruto laughed hysterically, falling to his knees wracked by fits of laughter. "The mighty Sasuke has been reduced to a chicken!" He rolled on the ground cackling. However the Sasuke-chicken was looking less than impressed. It strutted over to a puddle and picked a piranha by the tail with his beak. He continued over to the cackling heap Naruto had become and dropped it in the path of Naruto's rolling. He came back around and rolled over the piranha, backside first. The fish responded the only way it knew how, it bit down hard. Naruto yelled, sitting bolt upright. The chicken made a sound halfway between a laugh and a cluck. Naruto jumped up and spun around, trying to reach the piranha that had lodged its teeth in his lower back. He grasped the tail and pulled it off, yelling in pain as it tried to take a chunk with it. He finally dislodged it after running around the room like a maniac a few more times. Meanwhile Sasuke-chicken was laughing/clucking feverishly. Naruto dropped the piranha in a bucket of water and walked over to Sasuke chicken, looking _very_ annoyed. Sasuke-chicken gulped.

"You know what? I think I'll leave you here!" he growled. The chicken clucked indignantly, sitting down in his clothes and fixing Naruto with an adamant glare. Naruto walked off briskly. Sakura would be wondering what happened to him by now. He got out the garden gate when he was overcome by the urge to look back. He turned around, suddenly feeling guilty for leaving the defenceless Sasuke-chicken on his own. But the chicken was still there, glaring at him in the distance from his nest of clothes. Then he turned back around, angry that he felt sorry for him. Sasuke-chicken watched him go with mixed feelings. On one hand, he felt angry with Naruto for laughing but on the other, he had tried to warn him about the voice. Should He go with Naruto? For crying out loud, he was a chicken! He wouldn't even be able to defend himself against the neighbour's cat…_hang on, neighbour's cat_!!! The Sasuke-chicken almost laid an egg. The neighbour's cat lay perched on the fence, eyeing the Sasuke-chicken like a lawyer eyes a potential client.

_Prey…_ it thought hungrily, licking its lips. The Sasuke-chicken suddenly decided he better go with Naruto in case he needs help. It ran down the garden path and jumped onto Naruto's shoulder. Naruto flailed back in surprised by the sudden weight on his shoulder. He turned to see a slightly shaken up feathery bundle sitting on his shoulder, giving him a look that said, "This doesn't change anything, I'm just taking pity on you". A smug grin stretched across his face.

"Fine, but you owe me for this." Naruto continued towards home, now with a feathery bundle clinging onto his shoulder. It's official, he though, I'm definitely not a bird person.

Sakura lay flat on the lounge, feeding the puffy yellow bird-thingy crackers. The bird-thingy grinned. Crackers, soft cushions, undivided attention from the pink-haired girl and not a blond psycho in sight. This was truly heaven.

"Aren't you cute" she cooed for the millionth time. Despite the lack of conversation, this was definitely better than a nest in a tree. There is nothing that can ruin this day, it thought. Of course, this jinxed the whole thing.

_WHAAAMMM_

The front door slammed open and Naruto strode in triumphantly, clutching the bag of super-marbones, the book and a large, dark feathery bundle on his shoulder. Sakura didn't even flinch as he dumped his shoes in the walkway as he went past. Sasuke-chicken hopped from Naruto's shoulder and down onto Sakura's head. She continued cooing over the bird-thingy without even blinking. I think I need to be more obvious, Sasuke thought. He hopped off of her head and sat in front of the bird-thingy and gave her a charismatic grin. Unfortunately a grinning chicken looks less than charismatic, if not disturbing. Sakura screamed, jumping up and away from the Sasuke-chicken.

"Naruto, your…_thing_ grinned at me!" she gasped. Naruto looked at her worriedly.

"Sakura, chickens can't grin," he said slowly. Great, he thought, its' eaten her brain. Sakura had calmed down a little now, but she was still eyeing the strange black chicken warily. But there was still that sense she recognised it from somewhere.

"Y-you're r-right N-Naruto. C-chickens d-don't g-grin." She tried breathing normally but could seem to calm down enough (give the girl a break, a grinning chicken can be a traumatic experience). The Sasuke-chicken sat on the lounge next to the yellow bird-thingy looking dejected and slightly insulted. Naruto walked out of the room. The Sasuke-chicken hopped after him, that cat might have followed him here. The Sasuke-chicken followed Naruto down to hall to his room where Naruto flopped down on his bed and stared at the ceiling as if it had all the answers to his questions. The Sasuke-chicken stopped at the doorway and examined the room. It wasn't that different to his, except for the sack of corrosive dirty laundry sitting in the corner emitting fumes that would rival mustard gas, the yellowy cream walls and the blinds which dancing in the breeze from the open window. Sasuke was almost jealous. Almost. He hopped into the room, butting his head against Naruto's limp hand hanging down from the side of the bed. Naruto looked down. The Sasuke-chicken hopped to the bird identification book, which lay forgotten in the doorway. The Sasuke-chicken, with a tremendous effort, pushed the large book across the carpet until it was directly under Naruto's limp appendage. Naruto picked it up and sighed. You're right, he thought. He sat up and opened the book. He flicked through it for a minute but didn't find what he was looking for. He flipped back to the index-by-description and read through it, looking for what could cause the obvious brain-deadening of Sakura. **Is the bird large?** Yep. **Is the bird yellow?** Oh yeah. **Is it bulbous, cute and fluffy?** This looks interesting he thought, continuing down the page. **Does the bird have big eyes, an obnoxious temperament and the ability to deaden the brain of any female that sees it?** YES! That was it! **Turn to page 342**. He flipped through the book excitedly. On the page was the bird-thingy's twin, yellow, fluffy, spherical, big eyed and sickeningly cute. Naruto read faster than he ever thought possible.

_The Fuzzy bird is an extremely evil species of bird, despite the obvious resemblance to a stuffed animal. It feeds on the brainwaves of the victim female by physical contact and proximity. Only native to America, where politicians use it to numb the voters' minds, making them susceptible to their persuasion. _Naruto nearly chocked. An evil, brain-eating bird has stolen my Sakura! This is as bad as a 1980's horror movie!

"Hey! Don't knock the plot! I'm doing the best I can!" came the detached voice, sounding very irritated and in the mood for more intervention. Naruto and the Sasuke-chicken stiffened at the sound. Too well did they know the perils of harassing the voice. "Now get reading!"

Naruto, both shocked and fearful, went back to the book.

_The Fuzzy bird's effects can be neutralised by dropping it into a whirlpool spinning anticlockwise with a chicken feather. _

"Where the hell are we supposed to get a whirlpool spinning anticlockwise?" groaned Naruto. "And a chicken feather for crying out…" Naruto turned around slowly, eyeing the Sasuke-chicken. It looked up.

"Sasuke, hold still for a minute" said Naruto, grinning at his good fortune. The Sasuke-chicken suddenly looked concerned. Naruto jumped at the Sasuke-chicken, landing with him firmly in his grasp. The Sasuke-chicken clucked savagely and wiggled from his grasp, flew on his head and pecked relentlessly. Naruto fell backward under the onslaught of the angry poultry's pecking. The chicken flapped from the room and out into the laundry. Naruto pelted after him, yelling.

"Get back here! I only need one feather!" He slid around the corner and dived on the chicken, squashing it. He chuckled. Then the Sasuke-chicken slipped out from under him and clamped his beak down on Naruto's nose. He jumped up, yelling once more and trying in vain to pull the chicken off his nose. He finally dislodged it, but fell backward onto a basket of laundry. He lay there, looking across at the washing machine. Suddenly a flash of brilliance hit him. He could use the washing machine as the whirlpool. Naruto sprang up, taking the Sasuke-chicken by surprise. He grabbed it by the feet and held it at arm's length to avoid the snapping beak. He walked out of the laundry and seized the sleeping Fuzzy Bird. It honked, chirped and boomed like a foghorn but a full day of worshipping a bird had worn her out and she was dead to the world. Naruto carried the two loud and very annoyed birds to the 'whirlpool' and dumped them in. Maybe a few more feathers will help, he though. He slammed down the lid and hit the 'Standard Wash' button. The two birds drifted, sailed and danced in the spinning currents like a waterslide and a theme park ride all in one. Suddenly the evil bird began to dissolve; its spherical body shrinking into a mass of yellow bubbles. When the spin cycle had finished, all that was left of the brain-eater was a small, brown, mud-like slug. Naruto laughed; his entire ordeal had been due to something smaller than his pinkie-toe. Suddenly Sasuke rose from the depths of the washing machine, very much human and naked (My T rating's glad it was a tall washing machine which came up to Sasuke's ribs). Naruto jumped back in shock, falling over a basket of washing and landing heavily on his backside. Sasuke was as surprised as he was. He stared at his palms, trying to convince himself he was actually back to normal. He then noticed he needed clothes. He grabbed a conveniently located towel, which hung over the laundry basin and wrapped it around his waist. He climbed over the edge of the washing machine and jumped down.

"I think I need to borrow some clothes," he murmured apologetically to Naruto, who was still getting over Sasuke's return to humanity. He finally snapped out of his bewildered trance and rummaged through one of the baskets of freshly cleaned laundry. Eventually Sasuke was clothed in Naruto's clothes and was about to leave when Naruto stopped him.

"You left your book," he grinned, handing the book back. "And I don't think I'm gonna need this anymore." Naruto handed him the bag of exploding marbones. Sasuke took them back.

"Glad they helped" he smiled briefly before he resumed his steely persona and tone. "You tell anyone about this and I'll feed you to the cacti."

Naruto squirmed as the memory of the encounter made his lower back prickle. Sasuke walked out the door and off into the distance.

"I may not be able to tell anyone about the chicken thing but I still know about the handbags!"


End file.
